mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
