Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
