wrigley field is MILF paradise
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
