He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
