did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize