Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
