I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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