Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm always down for nudity.
Panties = found
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
