He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
