and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He? As in you personified your dick?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
