You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
