yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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