just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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