you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Less talking, more tequila
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
