I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
