His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
