how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize