Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
