i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
