I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
