ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
