who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I need a beard to bite.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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