Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
