We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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