I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
