A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
