My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
