Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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