Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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