I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
