I've blown a few things in my day
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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