Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I need to stop coming to work sober
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
