you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
