Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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