My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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