I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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