We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
