There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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