I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
