I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
