Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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