Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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