hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
