I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
