dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The uberlube is also flammable
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
