I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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