9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
