TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
