Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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