pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
