i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
