my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
