i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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