i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
