I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
