Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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