There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want to fling myself into the sun
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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