I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
