My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
