Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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