So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
