she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
